Part-time football administrator and full-time Nazi propagandist Franz Beckenbauer has made headlines again this morning ahead of England’s meeting with Germany in the round of 16 on Sunday.
Beckenbauer won the tournament with Germany as a player in 1974 and manager in 1990, but spends most of his time these days trying to pretend Bayern Munich are still a European footballing powerhouse and not a side of stodgy sideways passers reliant on Arjen Robben – Robben reliant, if you will – and that he wouldn’t honestly bite the hands off anyone still daft enough to stump up £40m for Franck Ribery.
However during the World Cup he has chosen to deflect attention away from this German side’s lack of defensive solidity and reliance on Miroslav ‘three goals in 2009/10’ Klose by gobbing off about England’s Brave England Football Team England a bit. After the turgid draw against USA he had denounced Fabio Capello’s side as having “gone backwards into the bad old days of kick and rush” – the bad old days were in the Blitz when ash fell from the skies all day, Franz, you heinous bastard – and he was largely proven right by the performance against Algeria.
But last night’s performance was – he said in an increasingly jingoistic, tabloid tone that is not to be taken seriously – the greatest attacking display by an England unit since Alamein. Yet that is not good enough for Beckenbauer, one of the finest to ever play the game but who is not getting into heaven because of insert WWII reference of your choosing.
Beckenbauer has the temerity to suggest that our brave English Lions – yeah, that’s right, capital fucking L – are tired. “The Premier League players have got to play far more games than their Bundesliga colleagues, including two national cup competitions,” he said, in a despicable slight against our noble Rumbelows Cup. “Therefore, when it comes to a World Cup or a European Championships, they are burnt out.” Burnt out like [subs please insert accurate WWII reference], Kaiser? Really? “Our players, on the other hand, seem to be in a physically better condition,” he dribbled on, conveniently ignoring how knackered the bug-eyed Mesut Ozil was in the closing stages of all three group games, and that Bastian Schweinsteiger has a face like the inside of an arse.
This is a World Cup so rife with WWII references – the French surrender early, the USA leave it til the last possible fucking minute before weighing in, and England are stuck with the bloody Germans again (thanks rllmuk) – that Beckenbauer needs to hold his tongue. This is your last warning, Beckenbauer, before we invoke the paraphrased words of your namesakes Franz Ferdinand and take you the fuck out. Sleep with one eye open, Kaiser.